MULENGA MWANGELWA on TUESDAY
FACES gaunt, lips cracked, clothes ragged and filthy, they badly smelt of poverty.
These were the Zambians.
Through farming, they were eager to improve their wretched condition.
All had gathered to register for the new FISP (Farmer Inputs Support Programme).
They were in their hundreds.
The District Agriculture Officer (DAO) was speaking.
“As you are all aware, we have a new government in place. This is a New Dawn Government. New Dawn.
“As is normal practice the world over, when you have a new government in place, everything changes, everything becomes new.
See? Already the weather has changed. A new peace has come.
Just like we will have a new register for FISP, we should also be ready for new problems.
From the outset, you must be told that asking questions is not allowed under this government. Let me be clear, if you make fun of me, the leader of this programme, calling me names like wabufi, you won’t be on the register.
Is that clear?’
An uncomfortable murmur went through the crowd.
The DAO went on.
“All Bembas must leave immediately. They don’t qualify.
Bembas, it has been scientifically proven, have other talents and farming is not one of them.
The new programme is called the Abbreviated Support System (ASS).
The ASS.
It is the ASS programme.
This is because whereas previously it had over one million beneficiaries, this is a surgically targeted progranme, for reasons of fiscal discipline and improved efficiency.
Through the ASS, Zambia is going to have an agrarian revolution.
This one is both methodical and meticulous.
It is the best government initiative since Zambia’s independence.
As you might not know, Zambia is now a food-surplus, food-secure country. So there is no need to have this many farmers, too many receiving support for inputs.
Just like Bembas, civil servants also don’t qualify. So let them also politely leave.
Further, all those gathered here who are overweight, those whose BMI is above normal, must also immediately leave.
These are already eating well.
Therefore there is no need for them to receive additional government support.
It has also been decided that, since they are dying anyway, all retirees will no longer be on the FISP register.
All retirees will instead be placed on the Social Cash Transfer programmr so that this quick money helps them prepare their wills and other funeral requirements in readiness for their burial ceremonies.
Working with traditional leaders, the government has already found suitable land for new cemeteries for their dignified send-offs
As a required subsidy, noting that we are a Christian nation, the government will provide free solemn music at these burial ceremonies.”
Noises of disagreement and annoyance were rising in the crowd as the mentioned left the meeting.
Everyone fidgeted.
One, as he left, his fists angrily hitting the air, shouted:
Iyi boma niyopusa!
Mwanya!
Muzachiwona!
The DAO again:
“All coloureds must also leave as the Internal Security and Home Affairs Ministry is still trying to establish whether these are truly Zambians or not.
However, prostitutes and homosexuals must stay.
It is the policy of the New Dawn Government that such marginalised, vulnerable and stigmatised special minorities must receive priority attention for their care and protection by the State.
So if there are any prostitutes and homosexuals here, please stay. You are the people we want.
Government has a passionate desire for your satisfaction. We are happy to have you.
You deserve to be handled with care.
The world is watching. It is believed at the UN that you can tell good governance by how a country treats such people.”
Another dissatisfied attendee shouted.
Koma logo sa alaba zoona. Lelo napenya nekha ni maso (today I have seen it with my own eyes, never taste poison).
“As I conclude, I want to state here that all Tongas should see me after this meeting. My deputy needs to whisper something to you which cannot be said at this meeting because of time.
Kaondes, Luvales and Lundas, because of their backwardness, tendency for violence and the perennial disagreements amongst them as well as having well-mannered beautiful women are already on the register. They need not worry.
This New Dawn government is very big on affirmative action.
For example, the New Dawn Government wants women on top. Women in his country have been beneath men for way too long. This position must now change.
Be rest assured that we are using the already tried and tested International Money Formula (IMF) to arrive at the numbers for this register.
It is a fair formula. This formula is the best. Many countries use it.
Even the previous government tried to use it, but because of dullness, they failed.
Just give it time and you will see the results and you will regret for not having voted for this New Dawn Government earlier.”
That is how everyone left.
All their faces were down as they walked away, despondent.
The DAO remained all alone.
What leadership is this? Bewildered, some farmers were heard muttering amongst themselves.
New problems indeed.
“Fyakuifwaila,” one of them shouted.
His speech was over.
And with that, his power play.
Dawn anew.
Nothing changed.
