Thu, 28 Sep 2017 14:06:25 +0000
By Augustine Phiri
AN old adage advises against engaging a mad person into an argument because doing so would not be wise as spectators would not know the real nuts between the combatants.
But look at what these two so-called world statesmen are doing; they are not heeding this sensible counsel. Instead, they are engaged in a heated argument about who has a better haircut than the other.
In case you have no clue, I am talking about the raging war of words between the sitting tenant in the Oval Office of the White House, Donald Trump and his baby-face opposite number from the north of the Far East, Kim Jong Un.
Look, all along, the world has been duped into believing that the two are quarrelling about the global dominance of their military arsenal. No, the truth of the matter is that they are fighting to win the world attention about their odd hairstyles.
Each claims to have a better hair fashion which the world’s ladies and gentlemen should adopt for crafting their heads.
Combed like he is televangelist Benny Hinn, Mr Trump’s hair resembles the behaviour of the hairy alpha chimpanzees that make their hair stand on end in order to look large.
The top of the beloved great leader of the Presidium of the Peoples Worker’s Party of (North) Korea, on the other side, looks like a badly done ‘table-cut’ created by an incompetent amateur barber.
Incidentally, it is reported that a presidential decree has already been issued to compel all university male students in North Korea to sport the haircut of their great leader.
That aside, in their cross-fire of words, Mr Trump calls Mr Kim Jong Un a deranged person. In response, Mr Kim Jong Un also calls Mr Trump a mad character.
Now, considering these tirades and the looks of their out of this world haircuts, who would you say is a real deranged man and who is a real mad person?
That aside, Mr Trump accuses Mr Kim Jong Un of hoarding ballistic nuclear bombs but the fact of the matter is that the man in North Korea has the hobby of cracking fireworks.
The popping of fireworks into the sky is mistaken for ballistic missiles.
You see, right from birth, baby Kim developed the habit of forming bubbles on his lips with his own saliva which he occasionally blew in the face of his mother.
Seeing the bubbles fly from his mouth and hit his mother on the face accompanied by light popping sound, amused little Kim who would then smile in amusement especially when the bubbles land in the mother’s eyes as this signified precision in the launch.
Infant Kim repeated this act during his baptism a few weeks from birth. As the Archbishop of the capital city of Pyongyang held baby Kim in his arms and said “I baptise you in the name of the Son, the Father and the …” baby Kim launched bubbles straight into the mouth of the parson.
For a moment, fear and horror gripped the Man of God and he immediately handed the baby back to its mother and dashed into his vestry to clear his mouth of some particles of human milk.
To the surprise of his parents, relatives and members of the presidium of the Workers Party present in church, infant Kim burst into his high pitched laughter which I also his trade mark like his notable hairstyle.
The induction of Kim into Christianity was immediately botched and he has remained unborn again because the clergyman was disturbed from reciting the final “Holy Ghost” baptism narration.
A few years old, young Kim updated his hobby into forming bubbles from soapy water and blowing them into the faces of friends using bamboo straws. But he soon discarded this segment of the hobby because it did not produce the popping sound he loved to hear the most.
However, he found fascination in roasting pop corns because of the popping sound the grain made when it came into contact with heat.
In his teenage years, Kim’s hobby shifted to cracking fireworks starting with the spiders to the classic crossette, to the blinding horsetail and to the deafening peony.
The man is still cracking fireworks but this time he cracks huge devices which are commensurate with his age and status in this global society.
Furthermore, because of the massive size of the crackers, he launches them from military pads and military vehicles as the commander-in-chief of his armed forces.
So, as you can see, what this man pops are fire crackers and not nuclear missiles as portrayed by the western world aided by their imbedded international media of fake news.
Remember, is it not Iraqi President Saddam Hussein who was ousted and killed by a United States-led coalition 14 years ago on the pretext that he had nuclear bombs and weapons of mass destruction?
He was fished out of his secret bunker dug in he ground and was subsequently executed.
Ironically, up to today both nuclear bombs and weapons of mass destruction have not been found and President George W. Bush has not been arrested either and taken to the International Criminal Court to face murder charges for the death of Mr Hussein and his dead comrades.
Nevertheless, in the event that the fireworks in North Korea turn out to be real ballistic missiles, Zambians should not worry because this former British protectorate is both able and capable of defending itself.
Look, the new 42 fire tenders have come at the right time when the world, Zambia included, is reeling with alarm over the happenings in the Far East.
For your information the new fire-fighting trucks are fitted with high-tech state-of-the-art military specifications which the ordinary fire tenders do not possess.
When properly configured, those vehicles can shoot water up in the sky to some 5,000 kilometres above surface level and out of the Zambian airspace.
At this height, the water can douse both the identified and unidentified flying objects including the much-talked about fireworks from North Korea.
With this special military specification, it is no wonder then that the trucks cost US$1 million each. This military ability and capability could not be disclosed openly to the public as doing so has the potential to threaten national security.
Therefore, each province would be allocated four of these fire-military tenders except for the capital City of Lusaka which will have six. The vehicles will be mounted in selected sites to check any foreign military manoeuvres.
Now that you know, about this piece of highly confidential information, my earnest advice to all the inquisitive and nosy Kachepas out there is that you stop forthwith doing the kachepa talk in the morning, kachepa at noon and kachepa in the evening as Agogo Super Ken would say.
I hope this talk about the newly acquired scarlet vehicles will be laid to rest for good. And here is today’s food for the heart:
A professor drove into a petrol station in his sleek Range Rover sports car to buy fuel.
Professor: Ikamo izule (Put in full tank).
Fuel Attendant: Sir, I speak English.
Professor: Ok! Good morning. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propelling of my motorised automobile. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim.
Fuel Attendant: How much fuel do you want Sir?
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